The Alien at the Table
Finding My Map in a World of Noise
Navigating the world as a child and teenager was painful, to say the least. It’s not uncommon for kids to have it tough growing up, but for me, there was an added layer of static. I had neurodivergent traits I didn’t know about, and I couldn’t understand why I felt so unseen, overstimulated, and, to be frank, like I didn’t belong on Earth.
Fast forward to five years ago. I was in dire straits, trapped in a toxic relationship and struggling to function. A friend mentioned that my partner was a narcissist, specifically attracted to my “energy,” and suggested I take a personality test because he suspected I was an “empath.”
An em-what? I’d never heard of such a thing. But I was desperate to understand why my life felt like it was constantly short-circuiting, so I took the test.
The Rarity of the INFJ
I scored as an INFJ ” The Advocate.” Statistically, it’s one of the rarest personality types, making up only about 1–3% of the population. The acronym represents a specific way of processing the world:
Introverted (I): Recharging in solitude rather than social noise.
iNtuitive (N): Seeing patterns and the “big picture” over raw data.
Feeling (F): Prioritizing personal values and the human impact of decisions.
Judging (J): A preference for structure over chaos.
Discovering this was like finally receiving the manual for a piece of hardware I’d been trying to operate for decades. It explained why I felt, thought, and acted so differently from my coworkers, friends, and family. It also explained why my intimate relationships, the area where this sensitivity hurts the most, were so fraught with pain.
The Highly Sensitive Nervous System
My research led me to a crucial realization: Most INFJs qualify as Highly Sensitive People (HSPs).
HSP isn’t a disorder; it’s a neurobiological trait called Sensory Processing Sensitivity. About 20% of the population has it, but for INFJs, that number is closer to 100%.
As an HSP, my nervous system is “high-gain.” I struggle with loud noises, bright lights, and busy environments because my brain is constantly trying to process every subtle pattern in the room. I’ll chew on a single conversation for days, looking for the hidden meaning. I’m even sensitive to caffeine, physical pain, and the texture of clothing.
Crucially, this trait is distributed equally between men and women, 50/50. But because of social conditioning, men are taught to suppress this sensitivity to align with “toughness.” We underreport it. We hide it.
The Cost of the “Signal”
For an INFJ/HSP, the line between “my feelings” and “your feelings” is paper-thin. We are emotional sponges. If I walk into a room where an argument just happened, I can feel the tension as a physical weight, even if everyone is smiling.
Growing up, I didn’t have the tools to handle this “signal.” I felt like an alien. I was picked on, beaten up, and some days, I simply couldn’t function. Then, I found drugs. They helped me “fit in.” They muffled the noise and made me feel “normal.”
Ten years ago, those drugs almost killed me. After getting clean, I had to learn who the hell I was without the numbing agents. It has been a hard road, a test of faith, fortitude, and courage to navigate the world with all the “filters” removed.
Why I’m Sharing This
I am writing this as a warning to my younger self, hoping others will not suffer as I did. I had no guidance. I had no map.
In the coming weeks, I plan to delve deeper into these traits and share my personal experiences to shed light for those who are still lost. I want to unravel who I am, and in doing so, I hope you or someone you know will benefit from my truth.
Thanks for reading, friends.